Kerry Promises To End Hurricanes
Destin, FL
Sept 10, 2004
by: Kilgore Trout
In a bold move, Democratic challenger John Kerry told an excited crowd in Destin, FL that he would end hurricanes if elected. "This has got to stop, and it is obvious that George Bush will continue to do nothing about this grave danger to the American people."
Polls have shown that George Bush has a comfortable lead in likely voters in the area of national security. Political strategist James Carville notes, "See, Bush has this aura around him that says he can protect America. But that's just not the case. Look at all these damn storms that have hit Florida and the Carolinas. Hell, a hurricane flooded Baltimore last year, and what has he done about it? Nothing."
Although some have called the move bold, others aren't quite so sure. " Well let's talk about the real issues here," say Vice President Dick Cheney. "You've got a guy that says he's for the environment and protecting nature. Now he's flip-flopping and saying that he's going to put an end to a particular aspect of the natural environment. When we get attacked again, do you want someone as indecisive as Kerry at the controls?"
When asked exactly how he intednd to end hurricanes, Kerry brushed off reporters, "Oh I wouldn't want to bore you with the details." While some meteorologists call the campaign promise ludicrous, some are optimistic. Trekkie Paul Brown of Masontown, WV says " Well, since hurricanes feed off of warm water, if there were some way to cool the Atlantic Ocean, then the likelihood of hurricanes forming that hit the US mainland would be reduced. Maybe some freezing ray shot from a satellite would do the trick."
Kerry seemed especially tense as he fielded questions after the speech. Teresa Heinze-Kerry remarked "I mean they kept asking him over and over 'how are you going to stop hurricanes?'. Give the guy a break already, he's had a long week."
Last week saw Kerry's standing in the polls plummet to all-time lows. Following a campaign shakeup, he seemed to have regrouped and gotten back on track. However, controversy seems to follow Senator Kerry. Allegations have arisen that Kerry has employed the service of Bill Clinton in the role of body double. Kerry, however, disputes those claims," The idea is absolutely absurd, as if (Bill) Clinton would want to be President again."
Even as hurricane Ivan neared Jamaica, Kerry stood by his promise, "There comes a time when you have to answer the call and report for duty. I will report for duty,and," he added, " I will end these hurricanes."