Kerry Decides to Concede Election
Ap News Line
by Kilgore Trout
August 31st, 2004
In a decision that is sure to cause quite a stir in Washington, John Kerry has decided to declare his campaign for president officially over, " Today I stand before you not as the presidential candidate for the democratic party, but as a man who fought the best he could against insurmountable odds."
In a move that has startled many, the withdrawal of Kerry has DNC officials in a hurry to find a way to handle the situation. "We wanted a campaign shake-up, not this," a DNC source said. "Surely the swift-boat business hurt Kerry, but it wasn't
that bad. We just don't know what to do now."
Kerry admittedly had been meeting with advisors before the announcement today, "I met (with) Shrum and I leveled with him, I told him he was out, and as his parting advice, he told me just to drop out of the race." With a shrug Kerry confided, "What else was I supposed to do?"
Recent polls show Kerry's lead following the Democratic National Convention falling significantly to pre-Edwards lows. Bloggers on the liberal website DailyKos were livid over the Kerry campaign's handling of all activities in August. Blogger Eugene was upset, "I just think they pissed away the whole thing, what with their flaccid response to the Swift Boat ads and their aenemic attempts to portray Kerry's strong points, they should all be fired."
MaryBeth Cahill, Kerry's former campaign manager, reported that he had in fact been 'blogging' this week. "He was really down on Monday, and today I noticed he was doing a lot of blogging before he came up to me and said I was fired. I guess he really took it seriously." Obviously bewildered, Cahill added, " I guess he just took it too far."
News of Kerry's decision reached New York quickly. News reporter Bill O'Reilly was ecstatic, "This is great, probably the best decision Kerry has ever made. He doesn't want to go down as not only the biggest flip-flopper but also as the loser of the biggest landslide election ever." Blogger JamesB3 admits, "Yeah, it's probably for the best, he probably would have lost anyway."