Republican National Convention Coverage
Part I
by: Kilgore Trout
Well hello everyone. I am having quite a time here in the Big Apple. Besides that nasty episode with the couple handing out the "Bush '04" buttons and the subsequent threat by the policeman, my stay has been relatively low-key. I was swept up in the protests on Sunday, but they were pretty tame. They were nothing compared to the gala I attended last night.
So, I approached Madison Square Garden intent on squeaking past security and snuggling up with the other RNC bloggers. I saw Theoria and Kos, they were waiting to get in. Since Kos and I go way back(refer to the DNC diaries), I figured he could pull some strings and get me in.
"Hey Kos, how's it going?" I said as I approached them. He made eye contact with me, then quickly turned away and whispered something to Theoria
They were facing away from me and towards the security guards. I saw Kos put his hand to his ear and say something into his shirt collar. The next thing I knew I was tackled to the ground. I never got a clear look at the assailant(s), but by the time I regained my senses, Kos and Theoria were already inside. I was pretty frustrated, but not defeated. I put on my vest decorated with 15 to 20 "Bush '04" buttons and boldly marched to the security checkpoint. They were screening people's press passes and credentials. Of course, I had neither.
It was sheer luck that some nutbar was standing in front of me. When he yelled "JIHAD" and ran for the door, the security people were sufficiently distracted and I was able to sneak in.
Wow, MSG was/is decorated to the hilt! Red as far as the eye could see. I immediately saw a few familiar (enemy) faces. Sean Hannity was over in a corner chatting with some other people I didn't recognize. With an enormous amount of satisfaction and grace, I was able to 'stumble' into him and decorate his suit with the mustard from my hot-dog. He was very upset with me, "Watch what you're doing doofus! Aw, my new suit! Great, just great. You're paying for this you know."
I tried wiping off the mustard with my napkin, but I just seemed to spread it out more. Even the lubrication of my gin and tonic didn't help the napkin remove the ghastly yellow stain. I promised to pay for the suit. However, in the confusion of trying to find a pen to exchange information and me promising to get some 'Spray n' Wash', I was able to escape.
I meandered around for awhile. After several strong mixed drinks from my water bottle, I was ready to sit down. Luckily, I found the Blogger's section. What a crew these guys were. Their Press Passes had names like LibertyRings, FreedomWriter, EagleSoars, TruePatriot and on and on. I realized I lacked a Press Pass. It only took a few minutes to doctor my DNC pass with a red marker and some Sharpie additions. I introduced myself as ProudConsevative and sat down with my laptop and surfed some porn sites.
Somewhere in between then and McCain's speech I passed out. I was rudely awakened by cheering and applause. I realized that I had to get out of there as every clap rang endlessly in my ears. I lumbered to the exit and I was almost there when I ran into a large, scraggly-bearded man wearing a baseball cap.
Literally, I didn't see the guy, I was looking to see if the security guards were going to stop me. Then BLAM. I dropped everything, my laptop, my empty "water" bottle, my glasses and my Kodak disposable camera. The man reached down to help me up and said, "Isn' t that a typical Republican, not looking where they're going." I was a bit baffled by this response. Before I could get my glasses on to see who it was, a squad of Secret Service men whisked the man away amidst protests , "I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just helping him up...Oh you're gonna hear about this...Do you know who I am?..."
Too bad they were out of ear-shot and I didn't get to hear who he was. But it was nice that at least I wasn't being carried away. "Are you okay, Mr. Conservative?" asked the Secret Service agent. "Mr. Who- oh, yes, yes, I'm fine thank you." The agent then apologized for the incident and called a cab to take me to my hotel.
Isn't that just the best. I think this is going to be a great convention!